Kanye West isn’t broke, people.
Shocking, I know.
If you didn’t know to be worried about that, congratulations on the reasonable balance of Internet and social media in your life. I’ll explain. A little while ago, Kanye West tweeted that he was $53 million in debt, which is a lot of money to you or me — and a lot of money for him, too. Residents of the Internet began mocking him relentlessly, as is our way, delighted that someone so successful could have made such a mess of his life.
But, Kanye later clarified exactly what he meant by that earlier statement. It turns out $53 million was about what he spent on his own businesses, primarily his clothing business, which is literally the exact opposite of debt. If you spend $53 million on a business, you know what you have? A $53 million business. It’s an asset, not debt. Sure, after putting that money into it, his skill or incompetence managing that business could make it worth less (or more), but even if he completely ran it into the ground, it’s not debt because he didn’t borrow any money to do it.
But, that didn’t stop people from insulting Kanye, or mocking Kanye, or even turbo-mocking Kanye. One dude even set up a joke crowdfunding campaign to help Kanye pay off his “debt.”
A fake crowdfunding campaign to help pay off a fake debt. We all need to use the Internet a little less.
But, people actually gave money to the thing. Lots of people! And they did it for a lot more reasons than you would think. On this particular crowdfunding site, people who leave a donation can leave a publicly visible comment, which means students of the absurd can find out what the hell is wrong with them.
It turns out there are a few things wrong with them, which allows them to be broadly grouped into categories. Here are the seven types of people giving money to Kanye West.
#7. People Genuinely Worried About Kanye
First and most surprising were the people who appeared to be genuinely giving Kanye money. Many of these left blank comments, which means they could have just been incompetent spammers. But, others did explain their reasoning, suggesting they’re incompetent at something else.
Reasoning. It’s reasoning.
$5 – Zach German
I am donating because I think we need to take care of the truly great artists of our time. I can only hope that my new friend Kanye would do the same for me if I were in his shoes.
Yes, Zach, you can only “hope” that, because you sure shouldn’t “rely” on it.
$30 – Imani Walters
I love you Kanye I’m a fan I hope this goes to him. If do what I can to see Kanye smile and make more awesome music!
I don’t want to make fun of this girl. She genuinely wants to make Kanye smile, which is the kind of attitude we need more of in the world. Just, you know, not directed at Kanye.
$20 – Michelle King
If I had more I will give. But I’m gonna give something. Hope he gets a good CPA or Consultant to help him out.
That would be just god damned hilarious — Kanye taking a trip down to the strip mall to chat with a CPA about his books. Seriously though, Kanye is a successful businessman. He probably has dozens of CPAs around, just hanging out by his pool, or a bunch of disposable ones that he keeps in an old-timey pickle barrel and just pulls one out when he needs some quick CPAing.
$5 – DANNY VENTURA
Kanye I hope you’re doing well. If you need anymore money please let me know. Your best friend, Danny Ventura
Odd that his best friend would need to give Kanye money in this manner, but I can’t fully claim to understand the rap lifestyle.
$100 – Nick Pearson
HOLY SHIT THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY TO GIVE TO KANYE GODDAMNED WEST. I guess I should point out here that I’m taking at face value that people have actually paid these sums and that there isn’t some kind of scam going where you can make fake donations somehow. That would really cheapen this … already very cheap thing.
$5 – Bonny Roper
This is to show that even people with their own money problems can help others in need. Hope you get out of debt
Oh man. That’s awful. Kanye had better find this woman and give her her $5 back or buy her a couch or something.
$10 – Dan Rawdon
Kanye you inspire me everyday. People hate on Kanye but the truth is that we need Kanye. I love you like Kanye love Kanye!
“I love you like Kanye love Kanye” is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. No love on earth could be greater than that.
So, this stupid, stupid crowdfunding campaign already has given us something beautiful. Let’s see if that trend continues.
#6. People Giving To The Charity The Campaign Was Changed To Support
After a few days, I guess Kanye’s people got in touch with the site or Kanye just screamed into the night sky and someone passed along the word that he wouldn’t be accepting any money from this campaign. The original organizer then decided that all donated funds would be sent to a particular charity, Notes For Notes, which provides musical equipment to youth facilities. Some people noticed this and contributed to the campaign on that basis:
$10 – Jasmine France
Haha. Amazing. Notes for Notes actually deserves this.
And, you know, it does. I wonder if there might be a more efficient way to support them, but you can’t really fault the motivation. Well done, everyone! Oh wait, here’s another:
$10 – Matt Chasco
The only thing I ever would have given to Kanye was a bucket of sand and a hammer. However, the Notes for Notes gladly gets a few of my dollars. Happy to help aspiring musicians… not so happy to help Kanye.
What … what would Kanye do with the hammer and the sand? Sand it?
This is, upon reflection, the most interesting thing I’ve ever read. I’m going to go to my grave wondering about this.
#5. One Dude Apparently Apologizing For Pirating Kanye’s Latest Album
One dude had a personal message for Kanye — an apology it seems:
$15 -Yoseph Haile
I may, or may not have Downloaded a Pirated Copy of TLOP! Sorry Kanye I just Could not wait, and I tried to sign up to Tidal but I could not Commit to it!
TLOP, of course, means The Life Of Pablo, Kanye’s recently released new album, and Tidal is the new, not-too-popular music streaming platform he’s exclusively released it on. Our friend here didn’t want to commit to a subscription, so apparently gave [the fake crowdfunding campaign not actually connected to] Kanye a cool $15 to [not in any real way] make up for pirating it.
Nice of him.
#4. People Advertising Stupid Products And Services
Far and away the most common donations were from people seemingly more interested in the advertising potential of posting a comment on a widely visible site than they were interested in helping Kanye, bizarre as those priorities might seem. $5 — the apparent minimum donation — isn’t actually that much money to get an ad in front of thousands of eyeballs, so these may be the most admirable people here.
In the interest of not giving any more free advertising to these charlatans, I’ll just summarize some of the products and services I saw on offer:
A margarita machine rental company.
A knife store.
A vape company.
Beachy/tropical, sea-inspired jewelry and home decor.
A cooler with built-in speakers.
Some kid advertising his Snapchat.
Babysitter-themed erotic novellas.
And although one admires the entrepreneurial spirit of taking advantage of Kanye’s fake misfortune to peddle a link to their pathetic product, it’s still a little unseemly.
But, not as unseemly as the most popular donations …
#3. People Advertising Scams
Along with ads for mediocre products, many people used their comment to link to other crowdfunding campaigns, often chastising Kanye that their cause was a more worthy one — which wasn’t a high bar to clear.
And many of them appeared to be! I read dozens of stories about sick children, burned-down houses, burned-down husbands, and things like that. Hundreds and hundreds of people had all apparently suffered grave misfortunes recently and had taken the time to … give $5 to Kanye West.
Even the slightest bit of thought suggested something wasn’t quite right here, and, yeah, it seems like this particular crowdfunding site is just plagued by scams. So, that’s crappy.
I mean, taking advantage of poor Kanye West like that.
#2. Taylor Swift
I was pleasantly surprised to see that despite their differences, famous singer Taylor Swift had stopped by on at least three separate occasions to chip in to help with Kanye’s nonexistent financial problems.
$5 – Taylor Swift
Please use this $5 and buy yourself a dildo and enjoy.
This seems unlikely. Ms. Swift must surely know that quality dildos start at $15 and can go well up from there.
$5 – Taylor Swift
Hey Kanye, Here’s $5, please keep me out of your meltdowns. Don’t call me FakeAss and just stop being so creepy. #badblood
This almost counts as an ad for one of her songs, Bad Blood, but it’s a hashtag, not a link, so I won’t hold it against her. Also, with that extra $5, you can start to get some acceptable dildos. Nothing great, but you’re out of the bargain bin at least.
$5 – Taylor Swift
Yo Kanye, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Taylor Swift had one of the best comments of all time! One of the best comments of all time! Just look right above me. Look at all those damn tiny hearts!!! That means something! how about putting money towards things that benefit cancer research instead of putting it into Kanyes pocket?
And here we see Taylor Swift acknowledging the realities of the marital aid marketplace and giving Kanye the final amount necessary for a really good dildo. Class act.
#1. People Insulting Kanye
It occurred to me, while seeing that Taylor Swift donated money for inferior dildos, that many people were using their donations to mock rather than help Kanye. This seems a hell of a thing to spend money on. I mean, I’ve disliked people before, but not enough to pay money to insult them. They should be paying me, in my eye.
Let’s look at the tape:
$5 – Joey King
I’m going to make 53million dollars getting a trademark for my new clothing label im conceiving….. “SuckMyKanye” faux leatha chaps.
You actually have to pay a few hundred dollars to register a trademark, suggesting Joey’s business isn’t off to a good start.
$5 – Kate Yefimov
Yo, Kanye, I’ma let you finish, but I have a question. How many fingers really was it ? Anyways, I’m just here for the comments.
This refers to Kanye’s famous freakout on Twitter a few weeks ago when an ex-lover claimed he enjoyed having fingers put in his asshole during sex. The whole thing was pretty distasteful, from the implication that Kanye should be ashamed of this, to the fact that he did appear to be ashamed of it, to the glee everyone took from it. Let’s just all stop talking about it and imagine Kanye’s asshole on our own time, OK?
$5 – leif ostgard
Here’s five dollars you douchbag!!!
Again, the douchebag isn’t actually receiving the funds, and come on. You paid money for that? A dusty schoolyard insult? If you really want to hurt someone, insult their strengths, like this guy:
$25 – Jimmy Oliver
Please use this money to move out of this country. You are what’s wrong with society. You are not talented or special. Go away you absolute horror of a human being. It’s worth $25 for you to just go away.
A few things about this stand out. That’s a lot of money to pay to insult Kanye West. It does go to what I suggested, attacking his strengths (his talent and specialness). But, to be perfectly frank, despite his many, visible flaws, Kanye West is genuinely pretty talented and special.
Horror of a human being might be right, though.
Finally, why would Kanye moving out of the country make a difference? I live in another country, and, let me assure you, we are not free of Kanye. The whole world trembles at his gaze.
We sure as shit aren’t giving him any money, though.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and will let you insult him for $5, too. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes And Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Check out Dan O’Brien’s leading Kanye theory in White People Love Kanye West and see why these same people will spend $120 on plain white t-shirts from Kanye West in 4 Celebrity Products That Are Proof People Will Buy Anything.
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